begin to hope

Main Entry: un·be·knownst
Pronunciation: \ˌən-bi-ˈnōn(t)st\
Variant(s): also un·be·known \-ˈnōn\
Function: adjective
Etymology: 1un- + obsolete English beknown known; unbeknownst, irregular from unbeknown
Date: 1636
1 : happening or existing without the knowledge of someone specified —usually used with to
2 : unknown

i'm in love with a gay crack whore.

aw. go me.



in other news, i'm 3/8 pages on a paper due at 11:50 tomorrow morning. hm. wish me luck.
ps-
some topics for papers i've written so far this quarter
buffy the vampire slayer's "hush" episode
the matrix
ideal drug treatment in women's prison
legalize pot
love that liberal arts education.

fuck midterms.

slash i only have one, it's a really good class, i'm on vyvanese, i have nothing to complain about, but nevertheless, garrrr, fuck midterms.

it's in an hour. i need to keep on cramming.


had a fucked up bullshit super horrible fight the other night. have been having too many of those lately. there is so much that i just refuse to say to people, and then it comes out without me meaning to in horrible, horrible ways. i figured it out, though. i have my mother's empathy (except then some) and my father's temper. it reminds me of that quote or whatever about how your parents give you theirs issues, and then a little more, "just for you." aww, how sweet.





ps- lookit me, i almost look respectable, you can't see my dreadlocks and i'm surrounded by quaint wallpaper and a beautiful blouse. that's super bizarre, but i kinda like it.


pps- yesterday on the phone:

chacha: "i just got hired at a lab."
maggie: "aw, little charlie's making something of himself after all, awwww"
chacha: "don't you have some 2CE to take or something?"

♥ love you charlie.


ppps- I WANT THE HIPPIE HOOLIGAN MOTLEY CREW TO COME SLEEP ON MY FLOOR. slash my room will be super cramped if all of you hippie hooligans sleep there, but there are plenty of floors in the dorms. yay!


i don't wanna study, and i don't want to stress out. i'm really not that stressed- the test is an hour so all i can really do is review stuff, but nevertheless. i wish i'd studied last night instead of played katamari, but i beat the game, yay!! and then the disk glitched before i could save :( so my katamari is still incomplete. que triste.

life is good.

all is well, with the obvious exception of a few really fucked up overarching themes in my life, and the aftermath of a few really bad things that have happened to me in recent times.

but all in all, life is good. adam and i are doing fine.

(he is the cheese to my macaroni, the ball to my katamari. we live in this weird limbo of electric instability and personal/emotional/ideological fusion. but mostly we just live. together. like bugs in a rug that is my room, wallpapered with an odd smattering of photographs, posters, bulletin boards, tapestries, watercolors and drink stirrers and populated by two little kids playing at being grown ups.)

in other news, despite the binge drinking//borderline(/not so borderline according to one of the school's addiction counselors) alcoholism, i managed to pull all As last term. fuck, i'm a badass.

and that is getting more and more under control, again with the obvious exception of one brilliantly pathetic emotional drunkdial earlier this week.


my biggest issue ahora is a feeling of stagnation; being stuck in one physical location, and essentially putting my nose to the grinder to fulfill my professor's obligations, without any particular emotional/intellectual/creative growth actually occurring. this is compounded by a frustration with what i perceive as the stagnate and ridiculous nature of the party scene, not really only in kalamazoo but i think in college in general.
it is compulsory, necessary, without question that on the weekends (...slash weekdays) we will track down alcohol, drink it in massive quantities, make drunken fools of ourselves, wake up the next day feeling like we're going to die, then do it again the next night. for variety, we'll drop some acid, eat a bag of mushrooms, then run naked across the quad being chased by security. (true story.)

what is this obsession with substance? what happened to the beautiful, tenuous, fragile existence of the sober world? why do we have to pour poison into our bodies to enjoy it all?

in other news, i am still highly hypocrital, because what am i almost certainly doing tonight, despite my frustration with the triviality of it all? going out drinking. thinking about getting some mushrooms.
(although, a side note, i personally classify mushrooms and to some extent pot as less trivial, less idiotic than the $5/cup cheap keg beer pong sticky basement skanky girls drunken hookups bullshit scene i previously mentioned. i think most drugs (in moderation) can be used with minimal overall harm, and it's turning out that i am incapable of moderation with alcohol. as far as pot and mushrooms go, i am much more capable/inclined to their use with a purpose; different thought patterns, self-awareness, spiritual developments, self-medicating for insomnia, decreasing my recent tendency towards severe and crippling panic attacks...)

all in all, it turns out my head as always is filled with more than i thought it was when i sat down to update. much love to the whole world.

have some pretty:



let the lover be disgraceful, crazy,
absentminded. someone sober
will worry about things going badly.
let the lover be.
(rumi)



i like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. this is the night, what it does to you. i had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
(jack kerouac)



we have embraced
too often
our arms tangled slick with sweat
like the sweat of oil on water
making phosphorescent
the swimmers and their innocent limbs
the glow shows them everywhere
no escape in any dark

rising, pulling back my long sweaty hair
I see a face in the mirror only half mine
what I am thinking is only half mine
these words are only half mine
the frayed threads of our bodies want
only that tangling again
that old growing together again
a completion like the exhaling
of a single breath
(joyce carol oates)



i know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream.
(vincent van gogh)

i'm all "zipping up in my own skin" like and it's real absurd.

i'm listening to regina spektor and not writing my social class in america midterm which is due at 5. making coffee for my friend riley who is sitting in my room frantically writing because he has class at 12:30 and then work until five so he has to finish his paper way earlier. i just found out that my two hour class at 12:40 is cancelled so i don't have anything but this paper to do today. this is excellent. i keep getting good karma from somewhere; good things keep happening to me. i'm making an effort to put that back out in the world and i think i'm doing okay. people are excellent. there are a lot of strange ones here, but i'm surrounding myself with my boy and the ones that i love and talking some (not enough) to the ones that aren't here that i love and god-or-whatever-or-karma-or-whatever is giving me patience and the peace of mind to deal with things. yay.

life is good. the ADD meds i took this morning is wearing off but i'm feeling okay regardless; i'll crash like woah later because i was up till four gettin' some lovin'.

this morning i spent circa 30? minutes laying in bed cuddling with this girl anna, who is often my utmost favorite company and who i would for sure be dating were i not with adam.

saturday night i made chick pea curry with green bell peppers, feta cheese, and steamed rice. it was excellent.

not much to report. all's well.

( look at my boy, isn't he pretty. )

alright, y'all, so i've been feeling real shitty lately and i figured out why!!! in the midst of all my existing only on alcohol and amphetamines bullshit, i forgot to eat. i haven't eaten since saturday and that was chinese takeout and combined with $6 whiskey was bad and i puked most of it up, and that is all i ate on saturday. and that is why i feel like shit; i haven't really eaten in like three days. now i'm sitting and chomping on crackers and hoping to feel better soon. fuck man. speed blows.

this boy (my lover, my parasite) keeps telling me that i will figure it out.

i will not.

if you cannot say it to me sober, it doesn't mean shit.

it is 7:47 am, i went to bed at 3, and i am restless, restless, restless

you know, there's something terribley ironic about using nicotine patches not in order to quit smoking, but because you're horribley addicted, already have the patches, and are too broke to buy cigarettes.

ps- i need a job.

pps- been having some really good sex over the past week. (see emoticon. sore and satisfied indeed.)

sometimes i get so tired of putting up with all of this. sometimes i just get so fucking tired of all of it.

"if we switch the caps no one will know what we're drinking."
adam and i finished off a fifth of captain yesterday, and neither one of us was drunk. a sign we should drink less? perhaps. i prefer to think it's a sign that we should drink more.


this is adam slapping me in front of the "october is national domestic and dating violence awareness month" sign on the quad.



love ya'll!

really, this whole college thing is really ridiculous and fabulous. i've yet to make it down to the dining hall for breakfast. it seems like such a long walk for such shitty food, and i have food in my room that tastes better anyway. i'm really not looking forward to when it starts to get colder, as i never ever close my windows and that's going to be an issue when winter rolls around. in other news, my bed is the best goddamn nap bed EVER. seriously. not only for me. people love my bed.
in other news, i've been listening to taxi ride by tori amos in disproportionate amounts to how it makes me feel. oh itunes, why do you torture me.
seriously though, i've kind of stopped sleeping in. 8 is the latest i can go. that's 7 minnesota time. i've also started measuring the passage of time in ridiculous ways, like how many empty spaces are in a pack of birth control pills. it's like marking days off on a calender, but with hormones! in addition, i've gotten so lazy with dishes (the kitchen is really far away) that i do dan and adam's dishes when i use them in their kitchen on the third floor, but in my room i have a huge stack of plates and bowls and cups that are just sitting there because i'm too lazy to drag my ass over and wash them. for example, i'm eating honey nut cheerios out of tupperware this morning, and drinking smoothie out of my toothbrush holder.

oh oh oh. breaking news. doing laundry and editing papers at the same time is a really fabulous thing, even though the laundry room is super warm and clunky-sounding, and you occasionally have to be evil when somebody's dryer load ends even when you know they've got another coming. it's a cutthroat business, washing clothes.

( meet dan. he's ridiculous. )

love you all!!

woah ya'll.

so i went to college and on a party binge and then i got mono and slept for a week and now i'm back and doing stupid shit again... you're only 18 once, yes?

love love love.
your bitch asses should call me and we'll chat, i'm really awake at the most ridiculous hours, starting at like 6:30 am, for absolutely no goddamn good reason, my classes are all in the middle of the day, so yeah, ho asses->dial my number->happy maggie. diiiiig?


ps- maaaann so much drama right now. people should learn to time all this so it happens like, not all at once?

pps- i miss the way minneapolis breathes. know what i mean? i don't know what the fuck i am doing in kalamazoo. except, it's really fucking great here, but seriously with the homesickness and nostalgia.


http://youtube.com/watch?v=kmcmTE7NIAY <----- LOVE IT

i want to start packing. i want to start leaving. not for the sake of leaving- for the sake of minneapolis and stillwater and saint paul and saint anthony and roberts, WI, i want to stay forever. but i want to get from under my parents thumb, as it has become a daily battle to live and coexist in the same house... which is why i stay away as much as i can... which is fabulous while i'm gone, but makes coming back that much harder.

but seriously. i want to start packing. or at least consolidating. i have so much crap. so many clothes. so many random things i've collected over the past 18 years. i think i may need to purge my entire collection of everything before even thinking about starting to pack it up and take it to college. and on that note, when did we all start going to college? i think summer just started last week.


in other other news, i just took a hot bath, shaved my legs, and am wearing my minnesota state fair boxers, and watching the devil wears prada with my mother. (edit: plus diamond studded heels!)


life is good.



...i'll get back to you guys. i feel i should update this more. chronicle this part of my life, and all that? huh. well.


to quote charlie, our wasted youth was never really wasted. i love you all. so so so much.

really, it is just going so well. i don't want to sound cocky or jinx myself into anything going badly. but damn, damn, damn, thank you jesus, thank you tom cruise, my life is going so fucking fabulous right now i don't even have words to describe it. alright ya'll? can you deal?

meandering
idiosyncratic
psalm
languid
sponteneity
centripetal
mystery
shenendoah
dunderhead
riffraff
minnehaha (laughing water)
invisibilities
oleander
serenity
purr
scream
lovely
incomprehensible
reprehensible
kaleidescope
femme
disproportionately
knife
rainy
cathartic
nevermore
illuminated


these are some of my favorite words. what are yours?

today after school i sat in a park and watched the world go by from the circle of your arms.

the world is green and blue and beautiful. you spun me on the tire swing and it spun around me and you spun around me and everything blurred together so much so that i'll never see straight again.


baby, i'm afraid i'm falling for you.

1. First of all, where in Minnesota do you live?
boomtown.

2. What's your favorite lake in MN?
cass lake, through and through.

3. Have you ever been ice fishing?
when i was little. i apparantly didn't like to reel the fish in. my daddy says i'd just run away and let the fish trail behind me.

5. Do you go four-wheeling?
yeah when i'm up at my cabin.

6. Do you go snowmobiling?
no not really.

7. Did you go trick-or-treating in that snow storm of 1991?
but of course. i mean- i was being carried, but still.

8. Do you go camping?
yepp.

9. Do you ever use the word "spendy"?
haha, no. definitely not.

10. Does your vehicle have rust on it or salt damage?
um i think there's a little rust spot i have to get seen.

11. Have your locks ever frozen shut?
haha yes. both my house doors and my car doors.

12. Have you ever built a snow fort taller than you?
of course!

13. Where did you go sledding as a child?
my backyard. i lived on a farm and had the best hill for miles. i still have a pretty decent hill.

14. Have you ever ice skated outdoors?
more than i've skated indoors.

15. Did you ever get your tongue stuck to something outside in the winter?
haha no. i've never been able to man up enough to try it.

16. Did you ever pour water over something on purpose in the winter to make it slippery?
oh of course. i've made ice tubes in my backyard before, for sliding without a sled.

17. Did you ever have snow slushies?
definitely.

18. Have you ever accidentally gone to school on a day where school was cancelled due to weather?
haha no. but i once got up when i didn't need do in about the first grade. i was pissed as hell.

19. Did you ever throw a snowball in someone's face?
pretty much every time there's snow.

20. Do you prefer St. Cloud area or Twin Cities area?
the cities hands down. no contest.

21. Do you like city or country?
country... i have to go with country. don't get me wrong, i love the cities to death. but i grew up in withrow. i love the country more than life.

22. Have you ever had more than one tick on you at a time?
haha yeah. yick.

23. Have you ever burned garbage in a bon fire?
haha no. i'm not that hick. i've burned like my christmas trees and wreaths before, though.

24. Have you ever gone to a Twins game?
of course.

25. Have you ever gone to a Vikings game?
no.

26. Have you ever gone to a Wild game?
no.

27. Did you ever forget to wear pants under your snow pants?
haha, no. never. generally you put the pants on first.

28. Do you eat icicles?
sometimes, yeah. only if they're nice and clean though. like away from roads, etc.

30. Do you own a dog that has gotten sprayed by a skunk?
haha no. my daddy's car got sprayed one time though.

31. Do you drink Boone's Farm?
nope.

32. Do you drink beer?
yeah.

33. Do you have at least one friend who has a beard?
haha yepp. many people.

34. Do you say "so" before you start a sentence most the time?
not most of the time, but some times yeah

35. Do you carry an ice scraper in your car all year?
haha yes. in my trunk in the summer.

36. Do you have to add sand bags to the bed of your truck?
haha no. we don't have trucks anymore.

37. Have you ever gotten a leech stuck to you?
yeah when i was little and swimming in my lake.

38. Have you ever caught a snapper?
yepp.

39. Do you own your own fishing pole?
um i don't think so. my family has a bunch but i don't think i have one that's specifically mine.

40. Whats your favorite restraunt?
idk. i like a lot of places.

41.What is your favorite club?
i don't club.

42. What's your favorite park?
minehaha's great. there's a pretty badass one in roseville, too.

43. Which place in Minnesota has the best scenery/view?
one of my favorites isn't in minnesota, it's just into wisconsin. the park overlooking the st. croix in hudson. (hey... it looks at minnesota...)

44. Where's your favorite place to cruise?
494 bridge circa 2 am.

45. Which grocery store do you shop at?
kowalskis, lunds, cub, rainbow, whichever's closest when i want something.

46. Have you ever partied in a barn?
hahaha not since i was a kid.

47. Do you like keg beer?
of course.

48. Have you ever gone hunting?
yepp.

49. Do you have a tattoo of a butterfly?
haha no.

50. Do you smoke cigarettes?
sometimes, not too often anymore.

51. Does your heritage include Polish, German, or Scandinavian?
nah.

52. Are you catholic?
no but my mom's family is.

53. Have you ever been swimming in a river in Minnesota?
yepp. current is the words, my friend.

54. what's your favorite thing about Minnesota?
everything.

55. Whats one thing you don't like about Minnesota?
the really intense cold that makes your breath freeze in your lungs

you motherfuckers, i must say, spring break kicks ass.